It's My Life,yet I Can't Have It
by BunjyGuM-Boy
Summary: illumi's past... kinda not like him.


IT'S MY LIFE… YET I CAN'T HAVE IT  
  
~*BunjyGuM_Boy*~  
  
yah… it's about Illumi… I'm sorry if the spelling is wrong but… that's what I see from random hxh websites. Hehe… so, it's about his life… what happened to him before… (ILLUMI'S POV)  
  
PAIRING: Illumi and a girl…(yes, a gal) that doesn't know how to speak English… don't worry! Translations will be at the bottom.  
  
RATING: PG (for violence and sorts…)  
  
GENRE: General  
  
**************************************************************************** *****************  
  
**************************************************************************** *****************  
  
"Doshite?… Doshite…?" [1] (why…why…)  
  
Those words were accompanied by screams… of anguish, bereavement and remorse. Usually, it's from the family I kill… but for this, it was from me… my heart… a part, from my life.  
  
  
  
I never wanted it! I would never be like it! But… but… I chose my family's honor… that is why I hate my younger brother… Killua.  
  
He was always… ever since! He was father's favorite. He was given a blessing to be with… with a friend! Ha!! They look more like… lovers! Being a brother to him.. I know his identity… he's the disgrace!!! But why… why did they make me suffer…  
  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  
  
"Illumi, I can not go this the land… would you please accompany the killing?"  
  
"Yes, father."  
  
pause  
  
"Illumi… try to come clean this time."  
  
anguished "Yes, father."  
  
Months…weeks…days…hours… it skips to a year. My life drowned before me. I never expected it to come nor expected it to go. I accompanied mother for another kill… but my business in that place was redirected. My heart found something… a killer/hunter could never encounter.  
  
~REVIEW~  
  
"I'm going outside, mother."  
  
"Why, Illumi? We're not yet done discussing!"  
  
"I need air, mother."  
  
"Hmph! Hurry up, boy! I can't wait for you!"  
  
"…" slam!  
  
That night was silent. All the villagers were very happy. Families passed me without neglecting their "Komban wa!" [2] (good evening) nor their "Oyasumi nasai!"[3] (good night) ha… I greeted with a bow. Good heavens… greet all you want for tomorrow… you may not be here… petty people.  
  
I walked longer than I expected. I knew in the back of my mind that mother might punish and torture me when I come back, but… who cares! I don't feel pain anyway… I'm a Zoldic… I can tolerate everything… every single thing.  
  
  
  
*__\\___//__*  
  
It was getting very late. I laughed at the sudden image of my mother… she might grow balls now. at the rate of her nen, which I can feel right now, I know that she doesn't want to see me… not for another hour or so… the mist is cold and the people around me were getting few. I stopped at the big tower that had a clock on it… it said 09:47… well, it was bed time… I got the feeling to be cruel again… to every person I met around that time, I only smirked and thought, "Tomorrow… you might not even see the sun shining… tell your wife and small little brats how you love them so… it might not work tomorrow… tomorrow." The sound of the word lingered in my mouth… to me, it sound temptingly sweet… to them… an upcoming nightmare.  
  
  
  
*__\\___//__*  
  
10:09… okay… I had my fun tormenting people now. I'll head back to mother… what can she possibly do to me? Twist my guts again? Shucks… that's boring… ah! The ever- so- effective scourging plus, burning my groin… baka na![4] (stupid) I'm the fastest healer among us… after an hour, I'm safe again… she'll just get dismayed… hence-…  
  
  
  
"Sumimasen." [5] (excuse me)  
  
I was cut short by a woman's voice."  
  
"Hai?" [6] (yes)  
  
"Nanji desu ka." [7] (what time is it?)  
  
"…"  
  
"Wakarimasu ka." worried [8] (do you understand?)  
  
"Hai… nani desu ka." [9] (yes… what is it?)  
  
"Ah…Ima nanji desu ka." [10] (what time is it?)  
  
"10:15… um?"  
  
"Kuri…watashi no namae soo Kuri…" smile [11] (Kuri… my name is Kuri.)  
  
"Kuri-san…"  
  
"Namae wa nanto iimasu ka." [12] (what is your name?)  
  
"Illumi…"  
  
"Arigatou gozaimasu Illumi-san." [13] (thank you Mr. Illumi.)  
  
  
  
I can't believe my eyes! In every place I went to, there will always be a beautiful woman. But this, is an exception. She's exquisite. Very fragile and innocent. Kuri… ha! Her name means chestnut.. … … … what - what is this?! I-I must be stupid! Calm yourself, Illumi… talking to himself I'm just surprised to see her… that's all. That's right… that's all there is… … … is that…. true?  
  
"Illumi-san…" smile  
  
"Ah… Kuri-san, eigo ga dekimasu ka." [14] (do you speak english?)  
  
"Gomen na… sore wa hidoi desu." [15] (I'm sorry… it's pretty tough.)  
  
"Hai…naruhodo…" [16] (yes… indeed.)  
  
pause  
  
"Ah… … sayonara!" [17] (goodbye!)  
  
"Mada ikanai de kudasai!" [18] (please don't go yet.)  
  
"Doshite?" [19] (why?)  
  
"Chotto matte kudasai." [20] (please, wait for awhile.)  
  
"…"  
  
"…"  
  
"Wakarimasu, Illumi-san" [21] (I understand Mr. Illumi.)  
  
Kuri became my company for that night. even though she wasn't familiar with the English language, I didn't mind… I knew the Nippongo language… no prob' em. She was sweet and innocent. She need not speak more for her beautiful green eyes told me everything about her. I really didn't know what to do or why was I doing that… I mean, I came there to kill. And now… now… I even met her.  
  
  
  
I forgot. Tomorrow… we were going to kill them all. Ha! That's why… I felt pity upon her. She was going to die because of me tomorrow. Heck… I plan to spend an evening with my victim. We started talking about many things… her family… her friends… her life… I never said anything… she asked; I did not answer.  
  
It was getting very late. My assignment to slay will start at exactly 7:00 a.m. my mother chose that time because she wanted some people to be shouting and screaming when she killed them. It was her music. The clock from the big tower ticked 12. Wow… she and I have been together for two hours now.  
  
  
  
*__\\___//__*  
  
  
  
I asked her if she wanted to go home… she nodded a no. I asked her if she wanted to spend the night with me… she nodded a blushing yes. I-I'm really confused.. I was going to kill, yet here she was… a woman… a simple lady… shit!!! Fuck as well!! I can't understand. I looked at her straight in the eyes.. she was blushing red while I… I… I found love.  
  
I started to find a room for the both of us. Apparently, the inn- keeper knew her. She smiled at the old man behind the counter then turned her face to smile at me. I didn't know how to react. The inn- keeper eyed me slowly…  
  
"Here you go sir… this will be your key."  
  
"Thank you…" gets the key  
  
"Excuse me, sir… for awhile…"  
  
I followed the old man to a nearby table. He told me that if my plans are bad for the young lady, better watch it. Hahah! Was what I responded… I gave the old man an innocent bow which I knew he'll let me go. I accompanied Kuri to the room… our room. She sat in front of the window; allowing the breeze to damp on her skin. I swallowed hard because she was really tempting. I am, after all, a man. Intrigued, I asked her about her age. She told me that she was 21… she asked me in return.. I was only 24. She smiled at me again… this time, I didn't get to control myself. I placed a hand on her left cheek… I was slow because she might get frightened… she didn't jerk nor freak… it made me like her more. I looked at her eyes once more. She was not nervous nor scared of me. This time, I wanted her. I closed my eyes and kissed her. To my surprise, she was pressing me deeper.  
  
  
  
*__\\___//__*  
  
I opened my eyes and checked my watch… it was 4:30 in the morning. I looked sideways to see a sleeping woman. I got frightened but then I remembered. I woke-up that morning with a headache. What happened earlier? We both slept at around one in the mornin'. At least I comprehended that. I stood-up from the bed… ah… now I clearly recall. I'm not a virgin anymore… nor was she.  
  
  
  
I crept into her side… she slightly squirmed… I said something… but it just didn't blunt out of my mouth… it came from my heart…  
  
"Aishiteru, Kuri-chan."  
  
"Aishiteru, Illumi."  
  
Then she slept away…  
  
*__\\___//__*  
  
"Illumi-chan?"  
  
"Hai, Kuri?"  
  
She had her worried look… I know… it was 5:57 a.m. I can't make mother mad anymore… the small walk turned to a 360 circle. She just looked at me while I got dressed.  
  
"Illumi?"  
  
I can't do it! I will kill her family… her home… her! Two hours left… I really can't do it!!! I'm sick and tired of being a murderer… assassinations everywhere! Though I don't feel guilt, I'm thankful for finding her and having her. I'll make a new start with her. I'll take her to safety… but… but… I must kill first. I must make sure that mother will not detect anything.  
  
  
  
"Kuri…"  
  
"Doo shita no desu ka." [22] (what is the matter?)  
  
She asked me. I signaled her to go. I told her that I'll explain everything later. She asked me why but I responded that if she loves me and trusts me, she'll do what I said. I instructed her to pack all her things and get out of the place. She didn't understand and tried to argue with me.  
  
"Mo jikan ga nai!!!" [23] (there's no more time!!!)  
  
"Illumi!"  
  
Her contradicting eyes were very demanding; still, I didn't tell her anything. I kissed her to make her stop crying. I know that it was hard to believe but she was my one and only hope to survive. I must not loose her. Not now… not ever.  
  
"Kuri-chan, watakushi no tame ni shite kudasai." [24] (Kuri, please do this for me.)  
  
"Illumi…"  
  
"Kudasai…" [25] (please…)  
  
"Hai."  
  
Her words were definite which was why I believed her. I went back to my mother who, to my surprise, did not question me. She simply said that I must get ready… oh, I was ready… ready to be free and praying… praying that my Kuri followed and trusted me. My mother was ready; I followed her outside and she told me the plan. I know that she notices my absence of mind. She made me repeat the plan… I did it well. She walked towards the base… after a few minutes, I already heard a loud scream… I needed to find Kuri first… I needed to protect her. I am not a Zoldic anymore.  
  
  
  
I used my nen… I perceived that mother will feel me… I tried to go the direction she told me to but.. I just had to find her. I tried to kill anyone who passed me so that mother will not notice; however, all I could think of was… what if that person was Kuri's father or mother or … any relative! I didn't dare to slaughter. I stopped and asked an old man if he knew Kuri… he didn't seem to hear me… I asked again…  
  
  
  
"Illumi! What are you doing?!!"  
  
  
  
I shivered at the sound of the voice. It was mother. Evidently, she already murdered the villagers from that part. I tried to stand-up only to be slapped in the face. I looked at her with an innocent grin… she punched me. Now she knew… she understood…  
  
  
  
"ILLUMI!!! MY SON! What the fuck is going on with you?!!! We don't have much time!!! Arghh! I should have brought Killua instead!"  
  
Yes… she should have done that… still, I wanted to be free… I disappeared in front of her. As I walked to every part of the land, I recognized all the dead people… I was afraid… for the second time in my life, I was afraid. Afraid that I may be too late… the wrath of my family has dealt against my will and wishes… I might be too late. I used my speed… I can't do it anymore… I'll fight now… against my family… for love.  
  
I still hear screaming… I heard faint sounds that triggered me to move faster… the agony was getting closer… I don't want my mother to see me anymore… alas… I saw her… … it made me stop… I recognize that hair… bu-but… it wasn't my Kuri. Ah! I saw her… Kuri… in the back with a small boy… my mother… my mother slaughtered her mother!!! I can't take it anymore!!!!  
  
"Mother!!!!"  
  
I screamed. I bumped her and pinned her on the ground. Her screen- like eyes [26] (um, is that what it's called?) broke and fell from her eyes. My mother opened her eyes… I never saw them since I was born… her optic receiver was not happy at the sight of me. She was furious. She kicked me off and tried to hurt me except for the resounding voice from a woman.  
  
  
  
"Illumi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Iie! Iie! Kudasai iie!!!" [27] (no!!! no!!! please, no!!!)  
  
"What?!!!"  
  
  
  
My mother faced me… she had malicious glitters in her eyes… I know what she wanted. I know her next move. Her nen was similar with Hisoka's… only, stronger. She used the same gum… that Bunjygum… fuck it! She used it against me… I can't move… no! no!!! she was heading for Kuri.  
  
"Hashiru Kuri-chan! Hashiru!!!" [28] (run Kuri! Run!)  
  
"Shut-up, Illumi!!!"  
  
Mother tried to hurt me once again, but she had better plans for the woman… I love. Kuri started to run… I tried to distract my mother by countering her nen. It didn't work… for a few seconds, I believed in myself. But her forces was stronger.  
  
"Mother… please… if I am your son, you will let me be."  
  
"Illumi… listen to me… you have a better future in other women than her. Your marriage with another is already fixed!! Let go of me!"  
  
"Mother… I DON'T LOVE HER!!!"  
  
The sudden blunt of word stroke my mother.  
  
"What did you say? When did LOVE come in, Illumi?! You don't need such foolishness when you get married!"  
  
"So… when we were born… you never loved… us?"  
  
shocked "Of course… I did, my son! I bore you in my womb for 9 fuckin' months!!! Then you just do this to me?!! Stop those silly questions and help me find this woman!!!"  
  
"NO MOTHER!!! I will not let you kill her!!!"  
  
I tightened my grip… no use. She got loose. She didn't do anything to me… she just ran and burnt everything that stood on her way. Finally, she caught up with my love. I tried to escape and scream… too fuckin' late… she attacked her by the back… my mother held her up high so I can see how she dies… ha… I saw a hole through Kuri's body… my effort built and I got loose too. I was frantic, terrified and exasperated all at the same time. The only thing I hear from my mother was her blood-scourging scream.  
  
  
  
"Pityful… my dear, dear son… finish her off! NOW!"  
  
"Wha…what?"  
  
"Finish her… GO ON! I don't have much time!"  
  
Then she left… I cradled my Kuri even though blood stains were scattered upon me. Hot, relentless tears were soaking her exquisite face. I can't say anything… she knows me now… I can't resent the fact that I am a part of this ruthlessness.  
  
"Illumi…"  
  
"Kudasai… dame desu hanasu…" [29] (please, don't speak)  
  
"Aishi…teru…Illumi-san…"  
  
Those words… how can she say that! after all the things that I have done… can't she tell!!!  
  
"Illumi-san… doo shita no… desu ka" [see nos. 22]  
  
"I'm sorry… forgive me!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Illumi… dame desu naku!" [30] (Illumi, don't cry!)  
  
  
  
I can't believe what I heard… she reached out her hand and touched my cheek… I had a tear drop? Yes… I gave a tear for her. She smiled a sweet one… like… like she can't feel any pain at the moment of her agonizing struggle. I had courage at that moment… she said that she was cold… I-I couldn't react! She grasped my cheek once again and told me that she can't take it anymore.  
  
"Kudasai, watakushi no itta toori ni shinasai." [31] (do as I tell you.)  
  
"IIE!"  
  
"Illumi… I'm in pain… … do it."  
  
For her to speak that way means a very big deal.  
  
"Watakushi no chikara ijoo desu! Iie!!!!" [32] (it is beyond my power! No!!)  
  
"Sore o shitte imasu… go shimpai naku." [33] (I know… do not worry.)  
  
still crying "Kuri-sama… do not make me do this!!! Please!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
I need not say more… the next morning, I woke-up with a burning back, a bleeding face and a pinned stomach as well…. Yes, for the first time, it was very excruciating… to the fact that my one and true hope was killed… by me. I had no choice… she pleaded… I had to give it… ha! At least I've learned… my family tried to brainwash me… I faked that I was convinced. They will never know the truth now…  
  
I was ordered by my grandfather to go to my father's room… indeed, I was assigned again… to kill… to be the Zoldic again… to fight…  
  
______________  
  
  
  
  
  
"Illumi, I can not go this the land… would you please accompany the killing?"  
  
"Yes, father."  
  
pause  
  
"Illumi… try to come clean this time."  
  
"Yes, father."  
  
  
  
~~~~~OWARI~~~~~~ 


End file.
